And with your hamburger how about a side of porn?

Random musings as we hurtle headlong into official summer (the June 21 solstice seeming somewhat redundant, sweltering heat and humidity having started some time prior):

• In one of the Star Trek TV/movie episodes that seem destined to go on as long as the universe itself, Scotty, the irascible but lovable engineer, admonishes one of his crew: “How many times do I have to tell you: the right tool for the right job!”

It is, I’ve had occasion to reflect a number of times during several decades of married life, a concept totally lost on my wife.

If she were in the kitchen and wanted to peel an apple, and a paring knife was in a drawer a few steps away, but a three-foot sword was within arm’s reach, guess which she would opt to use?

And Scotty’s Star Trek dictum aside, the choice is perfectly logical to her.

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• Can somebody tell me where I can get one of the hamburgers we see in TV ads?

Whether it’s Mickey D’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, or you-name-it burger outfit, ads invariably feature sandwiches carefully crafted by professional food photographers: mouthwateringly fresh lettuce, red ripe tomato, crisp pickle slices, onion, juicy beef patty(ies), all stacked together at what appears to be a good six inches’ height.

Now, honestly, have you ever got a fast food burger that looks anything like this?

And if it’s a Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. ad, it usually features amply endowed, barely clad supermodels consuming said burgers in a fashion that borders on outright lasciviousness, leading one to wonder (1) how they get by with running it in primetime TV hours and (2) why women consumers everywhere haven’t complained about the objectification and exploitation of females. Do a Google search for Hardee's TV ads and you can find any number of them, including one purportedly at a Memphis BBQ event, another at a farmer's market. Judge for yourself, but be forewarned, they're pretty raunchy. In a statement responding to complaints about an ad featuring model Kate Upton that ran in primetime, Hardee's said the ads are aimed at their target audience of "Young Hungry Guys" and "don't aim to exclude or offend any other groups...rather to appeal to and amuse a very specific audience."

Go and buy any of these burgers — McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Hardee’s, etc. — and what you get is not the half-foot-high burger of the TV ad, but a sickly stem end piece of tomato, a few bits of onion, a sliver of wilted lettuce, dry patty(ies), all squashed together as if run over by one of their delivery trucks. 

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• If I were a chemist (and it is all I can do to keep from laughing hysterically when I type those words, having barely squeaked through high school chemistry), I would lock myself away in my lab and work night and day to develop a potion that would then sell like hotcakes: a deer repellent that actually works.

With Bambis multiplying like rabbits — but with much larger appetites — it’s anybody’s guess how much expensive landscaping is turned into deer poop each year by these critters that are increasingly urban foragers. On pre-dawn walks in my in-town neighborhood, I’ve seen as many as a dozen munching in people’s yards (including mine). Those who keep track of such things say there are now more deer in Mississippi than cattle.

And before you tell me about your “surefire” repellents, be advised I’ve tried ‘em all: rotten eggs, human hair, aluminum pie pans hanging in trees, motion-activated scare lights, and any number of expensive potions (coyote urine, anyone?) advertised on the Internet as the greatest thing since sliced bread, but all equally ineffective in deterring deer.

Hungry deer, wildlife specialists say, will ignore it all and enjoy the buffet in your yard and/or garden.

 

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